life became a roller coaster of emotions. it took weeks to begin to admit to ourselves that this was a reality that we would have to face. it didn't feel real, it didn't feel right.
we went forward for prayer each week, believing God would heal our baby.
i've heard pastor say that there is a big difference between believing God CAN and knowing God WILL. pastor preaches about asking God for specifically what we need. i still remember our first year at church... june comes around and pastor begins praying for the weather on july 4th. he prays for a specific temperature, the mid-80's. he prays for a specific wind direction. he prayers for partly cloudy skies. he prays for no rain. i honestly thought he was a little nuts... who bothers God with such details? why not just ask God to bless the day and make it a success? but guess what??? july 4th comes around each year, and sure enough, each year we have perfect weather on the 4th for the outreach. this type of praying is modeled all across the church. we've watched for years as God answers prayer, performs miracles, and needs are met.
so as i mentioned before, we went forward for prayer each week and truly believed with all our heart that God was healing our baby. we would pray for each valve, for her atriums, for her ventricles, for the blood flow, for each aspect of her heart. we would fill with hope and confidence. it became the air that made it so we could breathe. and then every week we would go to the doctor for a checkup and see her heart come up on the screen - malformed, poorly functioning, broken... not healed. it's hard to explain, but it was the same take-your-breath-away, punch in the gut as the first time we saw it. we were truly expecting each week to go in and see our miracle on that screen. but every week it was a huge, overwhelming, shock to our system. she wasn't healed. she was very sick. she wasn't growing. she could die.
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