the inevitable day finally came. i picked jimmie up from work to go to our regular monday doctor's appointment. we got there and she failed the nonstress test. then she was nonresponsive in the biophysical. our doctor came in for the familiar conversation. was this the week that we were going to deliver her or do we hope for another week? she was due in 2 days, but all the kids have been born late. she was still too small, so why not allow her to stay inside another week? but the doctor would hear nothing of it. he insisted that the increased risk of her being stillborn was absolutly not something he would tolerate another day. but i was begging him to not make me go have her that day. my obgyn who was supposed to be delivering her was out of town and wouldn't be back until wednesday. the cardiologist who was supposed to attend the delivery was on vacation and wouldn't be back until thursday. i was begging for him to retest later that day and see if she was responsive then. he firmly disagreed. he compromised and let me go home for one hour to get my things together and make a few calls. i was to be back at the hospital in one hour.
i got to the hospital and they got me all hooked up. guess who was now responsive??? you guessed it! she was now doing just fine. but our fetal specialist wasn't changing his mind. she had looked bad enough ealier that there was no point in delaying any longer. we were having her today.
he called our back-up obgyn to let him know we were delivering only to find out that he had just come off an overnight shift and hadn't slept in 48 hours, so he was going to refer me to the next doctor on call. i'd never even met this doctor! then minutes later i found out that emma's neonatologist that had been reviewing her files all this time was also out that night and another neonatologist would be taking care of her immediate care. so, months and months of planning and planning were resulting in my obgyn, backup obgyn, cardiologist, and neonatologist who were all familiar with her case weren't there for the terrifying event. i'll add in here that we also went through 3 nurses before she was actually born! looking back it was as if God was letting me know that once again He was in charge and He didn't need any help. so back to the story...
our new obgyn arrived at the hospital to meet me. he came in, i looked at him and said, 'do you know about my baby?' he said that he did. i said, 'tell me all about her'. he sat down next to me and told me all about her condition, what the plans were, and how he was going to handle it all. after i was satisifed with his answers he brought the neonatologist in to meet me. i did the same routine with her. i was reminded of all the facts: emma had multiple heart defects. for ebstein's alone we knew she would appear blue at birth, have difficulty breathing, difficulty with feedings, and may require immediate surgical attention. if that became necessary she would be life-flighted to st. louis for her first surgery. babies with ebstein's normally have a very large heart and their lungs lack blood. congestive heart failure is common. the operations necessary for this condition are very complex and involve recontruction of the doors of the tricuspid valve to make it functional and prevent the leak. all of that was for just one of her defects, and she had others! what we knew for sure was that she would be immediately admitted to the NICU, she would have most likely have an inability to get oxygenated blood back to her lungs, she would experience cyanosis. we would get through that and then go from there...
they began inducing me very slowly to see how she would tolerate things. she did well, so they gradually progressed things. pastor and cami were there with us and we went back and forth between joking, talking about everything under the sun, to praying and being scared. we played games, we read the bible, we laughed, we cried. it was such a long night. i remember at one point they went to grab a coffee or something and right before they left he read to me about jarius' daughter. i laid back in the dark room, trying to rest, all alone, and remember praying again that God would heal my baby.
as monday wound to a close and tuesday was dawning i realized she would be here soon. the activity of the room increased. her bed was getting warmed, the doctors were in full gowns, there was a quiet hub-bub about the room. there were no smiles, there were no excited voices waiting to welcome her into the world. i remember feeling dread as the time came to push. i didn't want to face what was ahead of us.
once everyone was set and ready to go she was here within minutes. she was incredibly tiny. she was blue. she didn't make a sound. they took her to the other side of the room and jimmie went with her. the quiet in the room was overwhelming. i softly said, 'she's not crying.' the doctor simply looked up at me and shook his head. jimmie was frozen by her side. he had the camera in his hand, but wasn't moving. seconds felt like hours as i waited to get a glimpse of her. doctors and nurses were talking to one another and moving very quickly but i didn't hear any of it. i was just waiting for a sound from her. i heard jimmie first... he turned his head my way and said, 'she's getting pink!'. i asked him to take a picture so i could see her. he did and brought the camera to me. the bottom half of her was blue and the top half was pink. she was getting oxygen! he ran back over to her. seconds later she cried out! i've never heard a more precious sound! jimmie ran back to me again. my doctor again looked up, this time looking to jimmie. he said, 'they aren't rushing her out of here, that's a good sign.'
moments later the neonatologist called jimmie over and said, 'look at your daughter!'. she picked her up and moved her to weigh her. she was 6 pounds! we had prayed for her to make it to 5 pounds, and here she was 6 pounds!
the doctor wrapped her and handed her to jimmie telling him that she was stable and he could hold her for just a couple minutes. we had prayed for a few seconds to kiss her before they took her away and here we were holding her!
pastor and cami came in and started taking pictures of us with her. those precious few minutes went by so quickly and they took her away. everyone went with her. i sat there alone. i'd never been in the delivery room without a baby before. i'd always had them in me or in my arms. i felt empty. what would this day hold? i began calling family and friends, letting them know she was here and asking them to pray.
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